{Mom}

Yesterday marked the 3 year anniversary of the death of my mom. I had a long conversation with an old friend yesterday about the deaths of both of our Mom's. I can't help but feel that there was more I could have done for my mom in the months before her death. I know that her dying was not my fault and that she is now in a much better place, but I feel sadness in having had the relationship we did in the few years prior to her death. I felt like the mom, much of the time, and that I was trying to take care of her instead of the way it ought to have been. In my heart I always hoped that she would go back to the mom I always knew growing up, and it has been so sad for me to realize that my 'real' mom never came back, even though there were glimpses of her occasionally. It breaks my heart. I try as hard as I can to just cling to the memories of my childhood and of what it was like to have a mom take care of me, but it's hard at times.

I can't warn people enough about the dangers of addiction and I'm constantly sharing my experiences with others about how my Mom's addiction affected my life and the lives of my entire family. It's difficult knowing how much she struggled and how alone she must have felt, suffering with this horrible disease. But, no matter what, I'll always love her and miss her.

Mom and Me--June 2001