{Jarrod}

This is one of my favorite photos of Jarrod (with Bran and Julie). It was taken at Black Angus restaurant where we all had dinner in celebration of Jarrod's birthday. He's holding a box of golf balls that Branigan and Julie gave him after they had given him one of their wedding gifts as a gag gift. It was really funny, but after that we all knew that Jarrod loved "stuff".

Two days ago marked 4 years since we lost Jarrod. It is so hard for me to believe that he has been gone that long. I can picture him like I just saw him yesterday and the memories are still so vivid in my mind. Words can not express how grateful I am that we were able to have Jarrod in our home for nearly two years before he died. It brings me comfort to know that even though Jarrod never had children of his own, he was with David and me through the end of my pregnancy with Isaac and was almost a 2nd dad to him during his first 18 months. The second Jarrod would walk in the door from work he would ask me where Isaac was. If he was napping Jarrod would get all grumpy and, most of the time, he would sneak in Isaac's room just to watch him sleep. He loved him so much--an Isaac loved him, too. I loved them both.

Sometimes I find myself repeating some of the last conversations I had with Jarrod in my head and I want to change things that I said to him. I wish that when he expressed fear over the upcoming bone marrow transplant I wouldn't have told him not to worry and that everything would be just fine. If I had said he shouldn't do it would he have waited? Probably not, but I hate that I acted so sure that everything would work out exactly the way it was supposed to. The saying is 'plan for the best, but expect the worst'. Yeah, I didn't expect the worst--the worst never crossed my mind. But, here I sit with no older brother, missing him so bad that I can't stop the tears as I type this. I wish he were here, living with us like he was supposed to be. I wish he had married and had a family of his own. Little OCD Jarrod's running around, not getting a blade of grass or speck of dirt anywhere. I can only imagine how great that would be and how much we would tease him. I miss you, Jarrod.