{Jarrod}

This is one of my favorite photos of Jarrod (with Bran and Julie). It was taken at Black Angus restaurant where we all had dinner in celebration of Jarrod's birthday. He's holding a box of golf balls that Branigan and Julie gave him after they had given him one of their wedding gifts as a gag gift. It was really funny, but after that we all knew that Jarrod loved "stuff".

Two days ago marked 4 years since we lost Jarrod. It is so hard for me to believe that he has been gone that long. I can picture him like I just saw him yesterday and the memories are still so vivid in my mind. Words can not express how grateful I am that we were able to have Jarrod in our home for nearly two years before he died. It brings me comfort to know that even though Jarrod never had children of his own, he was with David and me through the end of my pregnancy with Isaac and was almost a 2nd dad to him during his first 18 months. The second Jarrod would walk in the door from work he would ask me where Isaac was. If he was napping Jarrod would get all grumpy and, most of the time, he would sneak in Isaac's room just to watch him sleep. He loved him so much--an Isaac loved him, too. I loved them both.

Sometimes I find myself repeating some of the last conversations I had with Jarrod in my head and I want to change things that I said to him. I wish that when he expressed fear over the upcoming bone marrow transplant I wouldn't have told him not to worry and that everything would be just fine. If I had said he shouldn't do it would he have waited? Probably not, but I hate that I acted so sure that everything would work out exactly the way it was supposed to. The saying is 'plan for the best, but expect the worst'. Yeah, I didn't expect the worst--the worst never crossed my mind. But, here I sit with no older brother, missing him so bad that I can't stop the tears as I type this. I wish he were here, living with us like he was supposed to be. I wish he had married and had a family of his own. Little OCD Jarrod's running around, not getting a blade of grass or speck of dirt anywhere. I can only imagine how great that would be and how much we would tease him. I miss you, Jarrod.

{Mom}

Yesterday marked the 3 year anniversary of the death of my mom. I had a long conversation with an old friend yesterday about the deaths of both of our Mom's. I can't help but feel that there was more I could have done for my mom in the months before her death. I know that her dying was not my fault and that she is now in a much better place, but I feel sadness in having had the relationship we did in the few years prior to her death. I felt like the mom, much of the time, and that I was trying to take care of her instead of the way it ought to have been. In my heart I always hoped that she would go back to the mom I always knew growing up, and it has been so sad for me to realize that my 'real' mom never came back, even though there were glimpses of her occasionally. It breaks my heart. I try as hard as I can to just cling to the memories of my childhood and of what it was like to have a mom take care of me, but it's hard at times.

I can't warn people enough about the dangers of addiction and I'm constantly sharing my experiences with others about how my Mom's addiction affected my life and the lives of my entire family. It's difficult knowing how much she struggled and how alone she must have felt, suffering with this horrible disease. But, no matter what, I'll always love her and miss her.

Mom and Me--June 2001

{Christmas Day}

Don't judge me. The only pictures I took on Christmas were on Christmas night. So, I didn't get any pictures of either of the boys opening presents on Christmas morning. I did get video of the whole thing, though, so I'm not the worst mom in the world after all. Ha, ha!

Our day was crazy, as usual. We got up and opened presents. Eli got a kitchen set and he wasn't interested in playing with anything else or opening any presents because the kitchen was way too much fun. Oh yeah, and no lame jokes about kitchen sets being for girls--there are more famous men chefs than there are women. Anyway, so Isaac was thrilled to open Eli's gifts for him. David's dad, Jerry came over for breakfast--I made french toast with cinnamon burst bread from Great Harvest--super yummy, as well as eggs and bacon with orange juice to drink. We exchanged gifts from Jerry and put Eli down for a brief nap while we got ready for the day. Next ,we went to David's mom, Jerilyn's home for a fabulous lunch/dinner. We exchanged gifts there, and then rushed to the Becerra's (Juan and Lisa's) home to visit and exchange gifts with them. THEN, we had to get home and pick up the mess from the morning in time for my family to come and visit/exchange gifts. We had about 15 minutes to pick up before people started showing up. We at super-yummy panini's, shrimp dip with chips and fresh cut veggies--plus, more that I can't remember. Mmmmm. We all got our matching jammies, too! Love them! Everyone ended up leaving quite late--around 1:30 or 2:00am. We were so tired, but it was a fun and exciting day.

Here is our little basketball team of grand-boys. Aren't they so dang cute? Isaac with his three missing teeth (he lost the top one the week of Christmas). Isaac is holding Beau, who's loving the piece of celery he's munching on. Jonathan is holding Eli, and Dylan is on the end. Love these boys! You have to click on the picture for a close-up to really appreciate how cute they all are!

Love it!

{My Little Brothers}

I know that I haven't quite caught up on my blog postings yet--I'm getting close, though! But, I wanted to throw this post in today because I can barely contain my excitement. The older of my two youngest brothers is coming home from his mission to Cuernavaca, Mexico--TOMORROW! Holy cow, I am so excited! Whew. Zach was an awesome missionary and had a lot of success bringing new members into the Church. I'm so proud of him. So, I thought I'd share some pictures of Elder Zach Becerra in Mexico. For those who can't see the family resemblance he is half Mexican--a product of my mom's marriage to my step-dad, Juan--he's the best! You should have seen the reaction of some of Zach's friends when he introduced me as his sister years ago...um, yeah, they don't come any whiter than me. Hee, hee!

Go, Cougars!

CALLED TO SERVE

Now for my youngest brother, Caleb (he's 13 years younger than me). He went into the MTC last Wednesday, January 6th, 2010. In a few months he will be heading to the Argentina, Buenos Aires North mission. Yeah, I know, he and Zach missed each other by a week. Luckily, their Stake President is making arrangements for Zach to have a very brief visit with Caleb at the MTC so they won't have to go a full 4 years without seeing each other. Caleb is my little buddy. He would come over just to hang out, or to help me with the boys if I had errands to run or meetings to attend for my calling as a Webelos leader. I am gonna miss having to kick him out at 10:00 so Juan wouldn't be worried about him driving home late. It was hard dragging him away from the video games. Ha, ha! Anyway, here are a few pictures of my baby brother, Caleb. I'm sure gonna miss him!

{Sleigh Bells & Cookies}

On Christmas Eve I took the boys to Jorge and Debbie Becerra's house for their annual Christmas party. David never makes it to this party because of work--unless it falls on a Saturday or Sunday. So, imagine my surprise when my phone rings at 6:30pm and it's David telling me that he's done with work! What? That never happens so early on Christmas Eve! So, David made it to the party after all (I convinced him to come in his uniform and at least get some food before going home to shower). So, everyone was excited that he made it! He got some delicious homemade Mexican food in his belly and then took Eli home, showered with him and got him to bed, while Isaac and I stayed for the Christmas program--Isaac played one of the wise men. After getting home Isaac and I made chocolate chip cookies for Santa and then we read a Christmas book and listened for Santa's sleigh bells. We truly heard them and Isaac was so excited he was frozen in place. Too funny! David and I were up until 3:30am wrapping gifts and getting everything just perfect for Santa to come. I love Christmas!

{Visiting}

This year my Dad, Rondi, Isaac and myself were able to visit cemeteries and place little Christmas trees on the graves of Jarrod, my Mom, Daddy Daddy and Bruce (Rondi's first husband). I didn't anticipate the amount of snow we'd have to remove at Lakeview Memorial Cemetery in Boutiful. We spent quite a bit of time trying to uncover the headstones (thank you, Dad) and Rondi is a pro at anchoring the trees to the ground so they wouldn't tip over which was quite a feat with frozen ground. My camera wouldn't work to take a picture of my mom's headstone, but I was able to get one of Jarrod's, Daddy Daddy's and a photo of Rondi decorating Bruce's little tree. I was having major camera issues that day. It was freezing cold, but totally worth it. I bought some battery operated lights to put on all of the trees next year if we are able to go again.

Jarrod's

You can't see it well in this pic, but the base of this tree is a red Santa boot, totally fitting for Daddy-Daddy

Here is Rondi trying to stick flags in the frozen ground at Bruce's grave. It got a bit dark, but it was cool to see how many other graves had trees on them--a lot of them with little lights.