{Thinking}

I'm not sure why, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. It is so interesting to look back at life, the choices I made and remember the people who, maybe it didn't seem so at the time, had a major impact on my life. It is so easy, during trials and tragedy and heartache, to wonder "Why me?". I wonder, do we ever take the time to look back at those difficult times and try to see the silver lining? It is so easy to put the past in the past and try not to remember times of difficulty that at the time we felt were so unfair. But if we look back I wonder if we will now see what we have gained by going through those times? I wonder...if I hadn't made a certain choice that caused me heartache, would I have ended up with the job I did that allowed David and I to buy our first home? If I hadn't had that job would we have been able to have a baby when we did--would I have my precious Isaac? If I hadn't had that job that eventually led me to another job with greater flexibility, would we have had Eli? Until recently I would look back at that part of my life, where my choices hurt myself and others, and have had regret. Yeah, I wish I hadn't made certain choices, but looking back now I realize how much I gained for going through that and that I should be grateful for the relationship that started my life in a new direction. Does that make sense?

After losing Jarrod I was so angry. I felt like I had been robbed of an older brother. It just didn't seem fair to me. I still struggle to see the silver lining in that, but I know that because of it I have a greater appreciation and love for family and relationships. In my eyes, nothing is as important. I can look back and feel that I was so lucky to have had Jarrod living with David, Isaac and me for the nearly two years just prior to his dying. He was there at the end of my first pregnancy--we were comparing swollen legs and feet (at the time we didn't know the cause of his). He and I used to joke that because he was diagnosed with Leukemia the day after I had Isaac he stole all of the visitors that would have come to see us at the hospital. Hee, hee. Even though we sometimes argued and fought while he lived with me I wouldn't have changed a second of it. I feel like his living with us was such a blessing. I feel like in some way his relationship and deep love for Isaac was supposed to exist knowing that he would die before having kids of his own. He was like a second dad to Isaac. Would I have appreciated it or looked at it this way if he hadn't died? Probably not. Losing my mom less than a year later was devastating. But, I look back on that as well, and I see the silver lining there. She struggled and struggled for years and her health wasn't good. She was so unhappy and missed Jarrod terribly. She had lived her life, and knowing how much she struggled makes having lost her easier to deal with. Yeah, the cause was complications from Diabetes, but I feel like her heart wasn't 'here' anymore long before her death. She is at peace and is no longer suffering. How can I wish her back knowing that she was miserable?

I just really think that we all should take time to look back at our lives--even the difficult times, and see if we can see the silver lining in the trials and pain that we have endured. Maybe even take time to find and thank those who somehow had something to do with the course our lives have taken--even if at the time it hurt. Yeah, life isn't always a 'bowl of cherries', but I can't look back on life and wish the difficult times and heartache away. I feel like it has made me a much better and stronger person. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my life--big or small. I know that without you life just wouldn't be the same.